I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
