Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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