I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
