I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
