Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize