I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
