Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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