Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
