Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
