You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
