she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
