what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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