I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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