you guys were way drunker than both of me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
