i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
