y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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