drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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