I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
