my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
