Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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