Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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