Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize