Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
