WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just cut my nipple shaving
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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