Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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