I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
