This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
