...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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