Is it normal to miss your booty call?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
