I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
