that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
