So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
