We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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