So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
