the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
