vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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