Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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