Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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