Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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