we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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