Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Two words: blizzard sex
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
