Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
