Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
