My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We need to get me chipped asap
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize