Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
