can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
