I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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