Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You ruined the universe
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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