And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
