I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
