i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I smell like Dick and happiness
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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