things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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