Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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