Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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