i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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