I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
