This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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