guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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