I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
