I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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