like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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