chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize