There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
