Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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