I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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