So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
