I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
