saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
